When I feel sick, I desperately want reprieve from the symptoms that ail me. Often my sickness manifests in the form of anxiety or depression.
My first bout of depression happened after I graduated from college. I had imposter syndrome and didn’t feel worthy of or equipped for my first teaching job. I failed every day. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t manage the behavior of the eight preschoolers with diverse and extreme learning, physical and behavioral disorders. I worked hard to develop the perfect lesson plans and behavior-management programs, but every time those kids entered the classroom chaos ensued. To make matters worse, I had six adults in the small classroom looking to me for direction and support.
My trauma response under that extreme stress and chaos was freeze and appease, which means I often lost language and felt completely disassociated and unable to access wisdom. I didn’t know how to get help or what to do, so I shut down and slept until the anxiety would wake me at 4 a.m. and I would do it all over again. I had no tools to cope.
Now, more than 30 years later, I have a huge medicine chest for treating my anxiety and depression. I have learned that movement helps dislodge the stuck emotions and unprocessed trauma through and out of the body. If you move a muscle you change a feeling. Yoga has saved my life, and I will be forever grateful for the way I have learned to access the healing power and grace of the Holy Spirit through my breath. When I feel anxious, I need to find stability at the ground of being, so I lengthen my exhale and remind myself it is safe to let go. As I let go of the breath, I am also free to release my fears and the pressure and pain that is ailing me. In letting go we are free!
When I feel depressed, I know this is just stuck sadness that needs to be attuned to and expressed.
I have learned to reach out when the sadness feels heavier than I can bear alone. I see a therapist and a spiritual director, and I have spiritual friends who see me with enough compassion to allow the sadness to be expressed. I have also learned to be that compassionate witness for my young and terrified grieving parts. I am a good mother to the younger parts of me and the care that I turn toward myself helps ease the pain and lift the anxiety and depression, and for that I am so thankful.
Journaling has also been one of the most powerful medicines in my arsenal. As an Enneagram 2, I process the world through my feelings. I walk into the world seeing and feeling the pain of others. This is a beautiful gift that can take a terrible toll on me if not managed correctly. Writing helps me process the big emotions that my body absorbs as I walk through the world as a highly-traumatized empath. We process and release stored trauma through the language center of our brain, which goes off line in the trauma. Therefore it can only be released when expressed through talking to a compassionate witness or writing about it, which helps to integrate the feeling and thinking centers of the brain.
There are many other ways that I release the stuck trauma that causes my anxiety and depression: walking in nature; listening to music; moving toward community and worship; praying; singing; dancing; and making art. But I think the best medicine for whatever ails you is gratitude.
Practicing gratitude has many proven neurobiological and psychological benefits. It triggers the brain to release happy hormones like dopamine and serotonin. It also helps to regulate the sympathetic nervous system, which activates our anxiety responses. And it helps condition the brain to filter out the negative obsessive thoughts and to focus on positive thoughts instead.
Losing my sister to cancer triggered my first experience of debilitating anxiety and panic attacks. Beginning a gratitude journal in which I would pause at the end of each day and notice the moments in which I was feeling alive, connected, and at peace helped me navigate my way through profound grief.
I have learned that simply making a list of the things or experiences you are grateful for is not enough. There is a deeper level of healing and integration available if you choose one event and focus on the particularities of the experience you are thankful for. Practice being present with the memory, allowing your brain to recall as many details as possible, inviting all of your senses to come on line as you remember. Next, shift your awareness from thinking about that event to feeling and abiding with the positive emotions, thoughts, and sensations that experience holds in your body. Place your hand on your heart and as you breathe in, allow all of that positive emotion and sensation to expand in the center of your chest. As you breathe out let your heart say, “Thank you,” as you surrender more deeply into that felt sense.
This practice has sustained me through the dark of night, and I am so very thankful to have found it and be able to share it with you!
Jean Masukevich is a trauma-sensitive yoga teacher and integrative coach with over 20 years of teaching experience. Her mission is to guide others to greater mind, body, spirit integration and connection to their authentic self. She cultivates communities of care where individuals and groups heal and share their hearts and stories through movement, writing, meditation, integrative prayer, creativity, and the sacred art of listening. Jean holds an advanced certificate in grief and trauma from the Allender Center of the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology and is a certified spiritual director through Sustainable Faith. Jean serves both children and adults and is available for in person and remote coaching. Contact her at Sowthatjean@gmail.com.
AMEN & amen. Thank you, Jean!